It has been cold here. The whole city is covered under a thick blanket of ice. For many the ice and cold is a nightmare. For me I see it as therapy. Much needed at that. I love this weather. I find the cold calming. I long for the brutal cold wind of the North. I long to hear it whip around my house. The rattle of the windows. The sting on my face as I work outside. The cold and ice is gone now. Still in my heart it remains
The Nativity of our Lord is just around the corner. I am looking forward to it, and dreading it at the same time. Physically I am not ready. My house is not prepared. Emotionally I am all over the place. Spiritually I am anxious. I guess this is a good way to be.
I once was the one with answers. I was the one people went to for direction. A pillar in the church. Now I am none of these things. Just a shadow. A phantom of my past. I hope Nativity will a new beginning. The start of something beautiful. At the same time I am ok if this is as good as it gets.
I am no longer the hopeless optimist. I am not a pessimist either. Whatever is will be. I am not looking for some sort of false reality. Or living on hope of something better. I am trying to live in the present. To accept it and grow in it.
Lord have mercy on me. I came into this new place in life very arrogant. I didn’t see it at the time. Who am I? What exactly did I expect? I don’t know if I have any answer. What I do know is that I am so done. I am over worrying about what family might think of me. I am over preconceived ideas of who I am suppose to be. I just want to live. Truly live.